Anger and Disagreements

Table of Contents

How to deal with roadrage? Or when random people on the street get on your nerves?
Note to self
Anger Is Temporary Madness: The Stoics Knew How to Curb It
Use the One plus 24 rule when you are angry or upset
- One
- Plus 24
How to disagree?
Tags

An action committed in anger is an action doomed to failure - Genghis Khan

It’s not about how hot you get, it’s about how quickly you cool down.

(context: talking about how he dealt with anger when he was forced out of moviepass, the company that he founded, and the company was run into the ground by the guys that took over)

You can get angry at something. But, if you don’t do something with that energy, it devours you. It eats you from the inside. It debilitates you. - Stacy Spikes, Moviepass founder and Author of the book “Black Founder, The Hidden Power of Being an Outsider”

Move on from it. Stop thinking about it anymore. Start thinking about new businesses to build, new problems to solve, new people to work with. - Hamet Watt, co-founder of Moviepass.

How to deal with roadrage? Or when random people on the street get on your nerves?

This node tries to answer the question.

Note to self

If you get mad or irritated by something or someone and if you want to respond or send a message in an effort to try to make things better, do not do it right away.

Instead, just write your thoughts down and keep them ready to be sent out the next day. Make sure you don’t click the “send” button right away.

Let the note sit there in your computer for a day. When you look at it the next day, if it still feels relevant, do the following things and send the message.

It is not about you vs them. Make it about the situation that you are trying to improve. Tone it down a little bit. If people get offended and miss the point, the whole thing would end up being useless or worse, it may end up causing a blowback.

Bite your tongue more often. Reduce the frequency with which you criticize or make contentious statements. When you disagree with someone, think about the specific reasons you hold a different perspective before voicing your disagreement. If you are uncertain about whether a critical comment is worth saying, try to see the scenario from the other person’s perspective. This will likely lead you to frame your perspective more pleasantly.

Anger Is Temporary Madness: The Stoics Knew How to Curb It

Reference: ‘On Anger’, written by the Stoic philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca back in the first century CE.

Seneca thought that anger is a temporary madness, and that even when justified, we should never act on the basis of it because, though ‘other vices affect our judgment, anger affects our sanity: others come in mild attacks and grow unnoticed, but men’s minds plunge abruptly into anger. … Its intensity is in no way regulated by its origin: for it rises to the greatest heights from the most trivial beginnings.’

By implementing the advice of another Stoic philosopher, the second-century slave-turned-teacher Epictetus, who admonished his students in this way: ‘Remember that it is we who torment, we who make difficulties for ourselves – that is, our opinions do. What, for instance, does it mean to be insulted? Stand by a rock and insult it, and what have you accomplished? If someone responds to insult like a rock, what has the abuser gained with his invective?’

To develop the attitude of a rock toward insults takes time and practice,

Now, some people say that anger is the right response to certain circumstances, in reaction to injustice, for instance, and that – in moderation – it can be a motivating force for action. But Seneca would respond that to talk of moderate anger is to talk of flying pigs: there simply isn’t such a thing in the Universe. As for motivation, the Stoic take is that we are moved to action by positive emotions, such as a sense of indignation at having witnessed an injustice, or a desire to make the world a better place for everyone. Anger just isn’t necessary, and in fact it usually gets in the way.

Here is my modern Stoic guide to anger management, inspired by Seneca’s advice:

Engage in preemptive meditation: think about what situations trigger your anger, and decide ahead of time how to deal with them.
Check anger as soon as you feel its symptoms. Don’t wait, or it will get out of control.
Associate with serene people, as much as possible; avoid irritable or angry ones. Moods are infective.
Play a musical instrument, or purposefully engage in whatever activity relaxes your mind. A relaxed mind does not get angry.
Seek environments with pleasing, not irritating, colours. Manipulating external circumstances actually has an effect on our moods.
Don’t engage in discussions when you are tired, you will be more prone to irritation, which can then escalate into anger.
Don’t start discussions when you are thirsty or hungry, for the same reason.
Deploy self-deprecating humour, our main weapon against the unpredictability of the Universe, and the predictable nastiness of some of our fellow human beings.
Practise cognitive distancing – what Seneca calls ‘delaying’ your response – by going for a walk, or retire to the bathroom, anything that will allow you a breather from a tense situation.
Change your body to change your mind: deliberately slow down your steps, lower the tone of your voice, impose on your body the demeanour of a calm person.

Above all, be charitable toward others as a path to good living. Seneca’s advice on anger has stood the test of time, and we would all do well to heed it.

Use the One plus 24 rule when you are angry or upset

Do this first before unleashing comments you might regret

The ‘one plus 24’ rule prevents you from responding out of raw anger

Barry Davret

Apr 3, 2020

Always remember the rule for times you are about to say something you might regret.

It can feel good — great, even — to spew what’s on your mind without stopping to think it through. But a response of pure, raw anger is rarely the most effective one.

If you are a person who’s easily set off — by rejection, by ordinary criticism, by dumb comments on the internet — you enter a cycle of speaking out of impulse and then dwelling on your words after your mind has settled down. How did I get so worked up over that? Why did I say those things? Why couldn’t I have just ignored them?

“One-plus-24” is a strategy that helps respond rationally, not emotionally. It’s not a science-based formula, just a twist on a classic deescalation tool. Here’s how it works.

One

Write one angry letter. But don’t send it.

Years ago, I read a story about how Benjamin Franklin wrote an angry letter to a friend of his in the British Parliament, but instead of sending it, he stuffed it into a drawer. The simple act of writing what he wished to say satisfied his urge to unload a tirade of venom. (Several other notable historical figures have also famously made use of the angry unsent letter, including Abraham Lincoln and Mark Twain.)

Try it yourself. Whenever someone says or does something that triggers you, take a deep breath and pull out a pen and piece of paper. From my own experience, the act of ripping up your letter allows the tension to dissipate further. It’s a symbolic act of telling yourself that the thing no longer bothers you.

Plus 24

Now wait for 24 hours to pass before you take any other action.

Strong emotions require energy to sustain themselves. Think of it as a fire in your mind: To keep the flame going, you need to add kindling and wood. If you deprive it of additional fuel, the fire eventually dies.

Of course, following the “one plus 24” rule isn’t always an option — there will be times when you need to respond to something ASAP, when you’ll need to rely on willpower instead of time to help you keep your cool.

But if you do have the luxury of time, use it. After writing your angry letter, wait a day, maybe two. This is the most difficult part, but as time passes, the urgency to respond will seem less critical. Plus, if you’re embroiled in an argument, this move leaves the other person hanging. When someone tries to set you off, they want you to respond. It’s the hostility that fuels them. Silence deprives them of fuel, and it’s the one response you’ll never regret.

If you’ve waited 24 hours and still feel you must say something, you can now do so with your rational mind crafting the retort. You’ll respond with grace — that is, if you decide it’s even worth responding at all. Sometimes, you say the most by simply stepping away.

How to disagree?

Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement is an informal ranking of seven common strategies of dissent; from low-quality forms of disagreement to the highest-quality ones. It was developed by Paul Graham in his essay How to Disagree.

Paul Graham’s “How to Disagree” essay outlines a hierarchy of disagreement, ranging from the least to most effective and respectful methods. The hierarchy progresses from name-calling to refuting the central point of an argument, emphasizing that higher levels of disagreement are rarer and require more effort but are also more likely to be convincing and constructive.

How to Disagree: https://paulgraham.com/disagree.html
Graham’s Hierarchy of Disagreement: How to Argue Like an Expert https://themindcollection.com/revisiting-grahams-hierarchy-of-disagreement/

Needless to say, there were people disageeing with his article too.

How to Disagree with “How to Disagree” https://www.lisamcnulty.co.uk/essays/how-to-disagree-with-how-to-disagree-part-1